May We Have Your Attention?

In the battle to become Britain’s next Prime Minister, poll leader Liz Truss hit the headlines when she called out the First Minister of Scotland as an attention seeker who should be ignored. Her comments were met with everything from horror to hilarity and Twitter was definitely there for it. We don’t know Ms. Sturgeon or Ms. Truss well enough to speak further on the subject, but we do know a fair bit about attention seeking behaviour. As in, it’s not actually about attention…

In fact, attention seeking behaviour could easily be re-named attachment seeking behaviour. And for foster carers this makes the world of difference. While the actual behaviour may remain the same, viewing it through a more positive lens can leave it easier to understand, cope with and deal with.

Let’s be honest, as babies, we were all attention seekers at some point. Tiny infants are pre-programmed to scream and smile to ensure attachments are formed with a caregiver and their needs therefore met. With the benefit of healthy attachments, babies then generally become increasingly independent over time. Growing into children and young adults, they feel secure and require less constant carer attention.

So often however, foster children have experienced insufficient or unsuitable attachments while growing up. This can cause developmental delay and leave them stuck as babies or young children in an emotional and neurological sense. In short, they are left still desperately seeking attachment.

Thus, the dreaded ‘attention seeking behaviour’ that can be so difficult and draining to deal with. Clingy-ness, an unwillingness to help themselves, whining, shouting, an obsession with helping, disobeying and deliberately causing trouble are common examples from all ends of the attention spectrum. Or rather, the attachment spectrum.

Perspective after all, is everything. Remembering these behaviours are not designed to push away, but to pull closer can make them a little easier to bear. Not easy, but easier. It can also help us to deal with them more effectively.

Like the current Foreign Secretary, we’ve probably all learned that it’s best to ignore or punish attention seeking behaviour. But this won’t help with attachment seeking behaviour. It won’t help attachments to be formed. This is where perspective lets us see there are far better actions to take.

If you’re a foster carer, we’ve pulled together a few tips to help them grow and you cope in the meantime. Firstly, address negative behaviour in a positive way. If a child is whining for example, explain that you’ll listen to them as soon as they use a normal and polite voice. A greater attachment for a healthier behaviour. Similarly, actively search out any times when you can praise positive behaviour. Be specific and generous, no matter how small their actions.

Next, commit to spending some quality one-to-one time with your child every day. Spend 15 minutes just being together – read a book, game, bake or play football in the park. Check-in regularly with your support network as well. Identify how you’re feeling, talk things through and discuss coping mechanisms with them – you need time too.

Attachment seeking can be difficult and exhausting to deal with, but the right perspective can really make a difference to you and your child. If you have any questions on this or other fostering topics, please contact us. We like forming new attachments and we promise not to ignore you!